Author Archives: Arthur J. Heller

About Arthur J. Heller

I am a road you do not wish to traverse.

Guns, Knives, Rhinoceros Intimacy, and Fairy Cake

“I want to be intimately involved with a black rhinoceros.” Remember that sentence. No, really… commit that sentence to memory. We’ll get back to it in a little bit. Remember back in the early aughts, when the National Rifle Association — … Continue reading

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Heartbreak is a Lasagna

I don’t like Pyrex. I’m not an real big fan of formal “cookware” in general, actually. I prefer those cheap, aluminum foil-based roasting pans you can get at the supermarket for like three bucks. They’re inexpensive, bend rather than break, you … Continue reading

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Traveling Cramps

Traveling is awful. Occasionally, like most modern humans*, I have to travel places for one reason or another. For the sake of convenience or necessity, this travel often takes the form of a commercial airline flight. In fact, I’m writing … Continue reading

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Mysterious Guy Friend

I just learned that Traci Nobles, an otherwise entirely unremarkable cheerleading coach from Georgia, has published an entire book based upon the fact that she received text messages from Anthony Weiner. I’m not kidding about that, either… an entire book … Continue reading

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Suitable for Framing

Something weird is happening in my photo collection, and I don’t think I’m the only one it’s happening to. First, some background. I got my first digital camera in 2003. It was a bit out of date even for the … Continue reading

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Cracking the 2012 Pot

Harold Camping is a bit of a crackpot. For those blissfully unaware (or outside of the United States, where people seem largely immune to this sort of ridiculosity), Harold Camping is an undead, five hundred-year-old Christian fundamentalist preacher who predicted … Continue reading

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The Starbucks Boycott

Recently, people have been asking me why, specifically, I’ve been boycotting Starbucks for the past two years. I have insofar managed to not tell the story, on the grounds that it gets rather long and winding, is comprised of a … Continue reading

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Slugfest

I walked outside earlier and I saw a slug on the sidewalk. He had been there since the night before because I’d seen him then too… except that, rather than being the young, vibrant and healthy slug he had been … Continue reading

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Bringin’ the Heat

Spring has been in the air now for close to a month (I know this primarily because I’m violently allergic to it) and summer looms menacingly around the corner. Old Mister Sun is starting to wake up, and he’s staring … Continue reading

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Bloodsuckers, the L-Word and a Weird Myth

As I write this, it is February fourth, and in a mere ten days there will be an event known as Valentine’s Day. It has also been referred to (often by me) as “Oh-Sweet-Unholy-Crap-I-Forgot-It-Was-Valentine’s-Day Day” but, whatever you might happen … Continue reading

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