“I want to be intimately involved with a black rhinoceros.”
Remember that sentence. No, really… commit that sentence to memory. We’ll get back to it in a little bit.
Remember back in the early aughts, when the National Rifle Association — led at the time by the late, and ever affable, Charlton “Bright Eyes” Heston — was getting their plus fours collectively bunched up in response to a proposed mandatory background check and two-week waiting period required before purchasing a firearm? The proposed legislation — which I don’t think ever happened, or maybe happened and was later repealed — was being pushed by bits of the government largely in response to things like the Columbine tragedy and the Waco siege.
Back then, in those heady days past before Patrick Roy‘s retirement sent Colorado avalanching to Sucksville, the pro-gun/anti-legislation people were angry because they felt that a two-week waiting period was way too long to have to bide one’s time before getting a gun. They wanted to be able to walk straight into a store, pick out the four nickel that best accentuated their eyes, and walk out that very same day, whistling a merry tune. And don’t even get them started about the background checks. Background checks equated solely with breaking into your bedroom and rifling through your private drawers. How DARE they violate your extra special parts!
Posted in Politics, Ranting
Tagged black rhino, black rhinoceros, conservation, Corey Knowlton, fairy cake, gun control, hunting, ivory, John Boehner, knives, National Rifle Association, nra, pool noodles, taylor swift
I don’t like Pyrex.
I’m not an real big fan of formal “cookware” in general, actually. I prefer those cheap, aluminum foil-based roasting pans you can get at the supermarket for like three bucks. They’re inexpensive, bend rather than break, you don’t have to clean them afterwards, and they have a low carbon footprint.
Wait, those things are recyclable, right?
Posted in Humor, Ranting, Science
Tagged acs, american ceramic society, borosilicate, cannoli, cheerios, cookware, corning, cost cutting, exploding, exploding teeth, fda, franco-russian chicken, glass, glassware, gmo, hfcs, high fructose corn syrup, lasagna, pyrex, skyrim meme, soda lime silicate, sugar, taylor swift, world kitchen
I just learned that Traci Nobles, an otherwise entirely unremarkable cheerleading coach from Georgia, has published an entire book based upon the fact that she received text messages from Anthony Weiner. I’m not kidding about that, either… an entire book has been contrived around a tweeted message of Anthony Weiner’s, er… Anthony. And this brings me to one conclusion:
I think that I need to get involved in a sex scandal.
Posted in Horror, Humor, Politics, Ranting
Tagged alex morgan, anthonies, anthony weiner, antoinette, books, britney spears, celebrities, celebrity, celebrity scandal, celebrity sex, cheerleading coach, designer handbags, entertainment, fake mustach, fame, fortune, heller, hillary clinton, k-fed, kristi noem, michelle obama, mitt romney, monica lewinsky, mysterious guy friend, national enquirer, publishing, sarah palin, sean connery, sex scandals, snooki, tabloids, taylor swift, tiger woods, traci nobles, twitter
Harold Camping is a bit of a crackpot.
For those blissfully unaware (or outside of the United States, where people seem largely immune to this sort of ridiculosity), Harold Camping is an undead, five hundred-year-old Christian fundamentalist preacher who predicted that, on May 21, 2011, some two hundred million people would be “raptured” and rise, hilariously nude, to heaven while most of us would remain, clothed, on Earth to suffer God’s wrath and eventually die horrible (and presumably still clothed) deaths.
Posted in Humor, Politics, Religion, Science
Tagged 2012, christian fundamentalists, Doink the Clown, end of the world, enlightenment, eotwawki, God, harold camping, heaven, Kalki Bhagavan, mayan calender, nude, politics, preachers, rapture, religion, rick santorum, science, Wal-Mart
Recently, people have been asking me why, specifically, I’ve been boycotting Starbucks for the past two years. I have insofar managed to not tell the story, on the grounds that it gets rather long and winding, is comprised of a nearly unbelievable series of events and, really, doesn’t have all that much to do with Starbucks. With the latest query to be delivered to me, though, I figured I’d set the record straight, or at least less crooked than it was, on my one remaining boycott.
Posted in Humor, Ranting
Tagged boycott, chocolate milk, colonial white, creamer, hazelnut dairy creamer, Home Depot, hurricane floyd, lumber department, off white, paint colors, poetry, SATs, sheep, Starbucks, thwack, Tookers, white, white paint, wicket
I walked outside earlier and I saw a slug on the sidewalk. He had been there since the night before because I’d seen him then too… except that, rather than being the young, vibrant and healthy slug he had been then, he was now little more than an overcooked french fry.
Posted in Ranting, Religion, Science
Tagged crispy, facial protuberances, french fry, humans, life, moments of clarity, reverence, sacred, slug
Spring has been in the air now for close to a month (I know this primarily because I’m violently allergic to it) and summer looms menacingly around the corner. Old Mister Sun is starting to wake up, and he’s staring down at us with his beady little eyes and his two scoops of raisins, ready to get it on.
Posted in Humor, Ranting, Science
Tagged chickens, Crazy Lawnmower Man, footraces, heat stroke, homestyle breakfast, lawnmower, massive heat, Mister Sun, personal lifestyle choices, Pro Beach Hockey, raisins, roosters, roostershop quartet, summer, two scoops of raisins, Venus
As I write this, it is February fourth, and in a mere ten days there will be an event known as Valentine’s Day. It has also been referred to (often by me) as “Oh-Sweet-Unholy-Crap-I-Forgot-It-Was-Valentine’s-Day Day” but, whatever you might happen to call it, it’s creeping up on us.
As you may have surmised, I have a few problems with this.
Posted in Horror, Ranting
Tagged blood drive, blood drive singles mixer, comb overs, construction paper hearts, cupid, questionable lifestyle choices, singles, sweaty palms, unicorns, valentine's day